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An African leader (I’ll call him John) and I were discussing our views on the United States’ involvement in Iraq. He startled me by saying, “From most of the world’s perspective, the US doesn’t have friends in the world. It has ‘interests.’”

John explained that Two-thirds world countries see the US as self-serving. If a global issue affects the security of American citizens, we get involved. If supporting one nation over another can expand American influence, we send troops. And if large oil deposits are at stake, we have big interests.

I started wondering about our friendships in the missions community. Do we have friends or simply interests? Do we reflect the faith community with sincere, abiding love for each other, which is how the world will know that we are Christ’s disciples? Or are we no different than the business or government communities, which typically relate to others only to advance self-serving ends?

The utilitarianism hat fits well for those of us from highly task-oriented cultures. People become our means to a desired end. We want to finish the task, raise the finances, or recruit the people— so we run the danger of using people to achieve our goals.

Ironically, we usually go out to serve, evangelize and church-plant in cultures that are much more relational. We come to accomplish our goals, but our hosts want to spend hours drinking tea or sharing meals with us because they’re so glad we’ve come. We simply don’t have the time (or the will?) to build friendships.

My sensitivity to our habit of using people toward our ends and interests has been heightened by two experiences:

1. Ajith Fernando of Sri Lanka Youth for Christ and his peers exemplify true friendship. Some have been teammates for more than twenty years. They’ve grown up together, raised their families together, and lived through a war together.

But their comradery extends beyond “we work together so we’re friends” utilitarianism. Some of Ajith’s friends have left Youth for Christ, started their own ministries, or joined others, but their friendships have continued—because the basis is friendship, not utility.

When Ajith came to the US on a furlough, he was so amazed at Americans’ inability to have long-standing friendships that he wrote a book about friendship principles from the book of Proverbs. I don’t think the book sold well here, though. No one had time to read it.

2. When I was a missions pastor of a large church, I was in charge of a missions budget that exceeded $500,000. I never ate alone (or paid for my own meals) at conferences, my mailbox was full, everybody wanted me on their advisory board, and many people called me, anxious to meet me and share about their ministry.

Six years ago I resigned. I no longer had influence or money. Take away the budget, and my “friendship” list shriveled. Now I raise funds for our ministry. At conferences, I find myself looking for people like the old me with whom I can share my ministry.

The reality of our fast-paced world makes friendship a hard-to-obtain goal. Through the internet, we may have 1,000 contacts but none who will help us in a personal emergency. Big conferences and big churches may be great for launching a lot of casual friendships, but will any of these people pray for us, love our families, visit us in the hospital, or help our spouses after we’re dead and gone? If our only networks are utilitarian, we’ll find ourselves sadly alone.

We live in a world of fast-paced movement. One mission executive said, “The mobility of life means always saying goodbye to someone.” Obviously, cross-cultural ministry or organizational leadership comes with inherent loneliness, but I fear that we’ve given up thinking that friendship is even possible.

I remember reading a comment from a psychologist who observed, “Half of the therapists in America would be out of business if Americans could learn to have friends.” I don’t know if he’s statistically accurate, but he pinpoints the epidemic of loneliness in our task-driven, isolationist society.

My appeal is this: work at building a few solid friendships. If everyone in your address book disappeared even after they cease to offer you something or vice-versa, then you’re living in a world of utilitarian relationships, not friendships, and definitely not true community. Remember that God decreed that it’s not good for us to be alone.

Cultivate a few deep friendships. Make time to see them. Drop by. Remember their birthdays. Hang out. Call them for no apparent reason. Make them a priority.

Paul Borthwick trains leaders with Development Associates International and mobilizes students for global ministry at Gordon College.